the back of the saddle

i swear i saw children today at the community college.

children that looked like they could be in middle school...

they were just walking around, carrying books and bags, looking as if they were going to class...

i guess it's not a big deal.

but is it that kids these days look that young???

one girl is 16, works, and looks like she could be my older sister then another kid looks about 10 and says he just graduated high school.

both seem infinitely young to me in different ways. but then, when i think about it... people that i think aren't much older think i am a child.

am i a child? maybe to my parents and maybe to others older than me... but am i a child to myself?

i think... at least for now... the answer is yes. i often dream of embodying the essence of what i thought "an adult" was supposed to be.

i wonder if i'll finally be an adult to myself when i am an old woman in others' eyes.

confound it all...

i hate it when life just slaps you upside the back of your head.

hate it.

i "e-hat" it.

why does life have to be so hard? no, scratch that.

why do i have to make life so hard on myself?

as much as i love the whole movie...

Oracle: I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about the vase.
Neo: What vase?
[Neo turns to look for a vase, and as he does, he knocks over a vase of flowers, which shatters on the floor]
Oracle: That vase.
Neo: I'm sorry...
Oracle: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my kids to fix it.
Neo: How did you know?
Oracle: Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything?

****

Tank: Here you go, buddy; "Breakfast of Champions."
Mouse: If you close your eyes, it almost feels like you're eating runny eggs.
Apoc: Yeah, or a bowl of snot.
Mouse: Do you know what it really reminds me of? Tasty Wheat. Did you ever eat Tasty Wheat?
Switch: No, but technically, neither did you.
Mouse: That's exactly my point. Exactly. Because you have to wonder: how do the machines know what Tasty Wheat tasted like? Maybe they got it wrong. Maybe what I think Tasty Wheat tasted like actually tasted like oatmeal, or tuna fish. That makes you wonder about a lot of things. You take chicken, for example: maybe they couldn't figure out what to make chicken taste like, which is why chicken tastes like everything.
Apoc: Shut up, Mouse.

dumb question 01

hot chocolate...

where's the cold chocolate? the one where you can drink it? not chocolate milk... cold chocolate...

dream sequence 02

i had another dream... this time from a nap.

it was odd and so i remembered it well after i was awake and kept on thinking about it as i did other things... but now that i've sat in front of my computer to put it into words... i half feel like i forgot the important parts and half feel like i'm too tired of thinking about it to put effort into writing it out. -_-

basically, it was me and another friend. i knew it was a friend, a close friend, but i didn't know WHO it actually was. i think it was a girl, but i can't be sure... haha... androgenous, i suppose?

in any case, we are stuck in this building, but by choice because we are trying to find something (i think... another important point that i can't seem to remember), but we keep going through door after door, only to find that this "door" at the "back" of each place we end up in leads to another place/store/room. There are several shops, some private apartments, and some communally shared apartments where everyone sleeps together in one room... it's all very odd, but somehow normal. There are also "portal" type things where we have to go through this claustrophoic hole... i remember now that one was through a water slide tunnel and i didn't want to go through it because it was pretty narrow and, although i'm not overly overweight, i was scared that i might get stuck or something. in any case, we meet a lot of people along the way, but no one ever really stops to talk to us. More like, they stare at us and wonder what the f*ck we're doing there.

In any case, at the second to last room we ended up in before i woke up, we ended up in some kind of hall... concert hall? but the chairs were covered in this fancy white linen, which makes me think it was set up for a wedding... except that it was dark and it looked like the place was closed for the night. we thought it was empty and so moved toward the back of the room to get to "the door" or should i say "the back door" that we always go through, when my friend decides that he/she wants to sit down on one of the fancy chairs for a bit.

for some reason, i'm anxious and want to get the hell out of there. maybe it's the creepy dark (yes, maybe i'm still semi-afraid of the dark ... at my age -_-) or maybe it's the eeire silence... whatever it is, i don't have a good feeling for the place. but, my friend here insists on resting his/her bum down on the white linen chair.

when she/he DOES sit down, she/he notices a white fluffy dog... much like a maltese, except it looks really big... maybe it's more like a mutt. maltese hair, but large as a saint bernard. in any case, my friend who, in my dream, really likes dogs, bends down to pet it.

what she/he doesn't notice and what i DO notice is that the dog is attached to some kind of leash by its collar which leads my line of sight to a shadowed figure in the row behind where my friend is sitting. i get this uneasy feeling and realize that there is a person there, sitting cross-legged and sucking on a cigarette and watching us pet this dog.

of course, my friend doesn't notice any of this... partly because my friend is absorbed in the dog and partly because the person in the shadows is sitting behind my friend.

in any case, i'm too afraid and unsure to actually voice this to my friend but i keep glancing at the dog owner nervously and my friend eventually notices.

THEN, my friend starts to engage in a conversation with the dog owner. about... something i don't remember. in any case, the dog owner is regarding my friend with this expression that says that he/she (yes, i don't know the gender of the dog owner either...) is amused that my friend is striking a conversation as if there's nothing wrong... which makes me thing that something IS wrong.

so, i kind of poke and prod my friend into standing (which he/she doesn't) and start to tug on my friend's arm so we can go to the next place (which he/she ignores). eventually, i place my hand on the knob to "the back door" and open it half way.

i can see through the door way that the next place is a kind of bridal shop, the one where they sell/rent dresses. i hesitate about going in there because ... well, i don't really like bridal shops and it kinda freaks me out that there's a bridal shop right after the wedding/concert hall place. the bridal store is also closed (or so it looks) because there's no one there... but UNLIKE the wedding/concert hall, all the lights are on.

because all the lights are on in the bridal store and because i have the door partially open, light peeks into the darkened wedding/concert hall and this causes the focus/attention to shift partially toward me and the opened "back door". my friend finally starts shifting her/his body weight toward the door and me, making a move to go... but the shadow person/dog owner keeps on talking, making it hard for my friend to walk away.

this makes me nervous and IN that nervous/anxious state of feeling put off by things...

...i woke up -_-

what does it mean?

i don't know.

why a bridal shop/wedding hall?

i don't know.

why was the bridal shop/wedding hall the last stop?

i really don't know, but i hope it's not because the last thing i do in life is be uneasy about my wedding.

because... for one, i don't really believe in marraige (if not for tax reasons) and two, because i don't want my life to end with a wedding...

please, no.

even drowning or something would be better.

drowning after a wedding?... now that would suck ... hard.

permanent

i want to wake up with my hair bouncing around my face/head.

is that too much to ask?

it might be.

i like waking up with hair like that... aired out and like a halo around my head/face... regardless of how it actually looks, the feel of it is a good thing to wake up to.

on the other hand, when i wake up with hair that's matted to my head or plastered all over my face, i don't feel as great. also, when you can FEEL that your hair has warped in your sleep and decided to migrate to one side of your head or has parted in ways that never would happen in your awakened state, then it's not such a good feeling either. interesting... but not a good feeling.

maybe i should get a perm... or curl my hair. the curls would make volumizing bed hair be more plausible, wouldn't it? light and airy...

maybe it's just something i'm idealizing... curly hair.

in any case, maybe i'll try it out when my hair actually grows out...

sneaky weeky

there are times when a place just feels right... like it's a good place to be and you feel comfortable even within the unsureness of the "new" feeling.

i wonder if i'm getting this across clearly.

...knowing me, probably not.

anyway, once i get too comfortable in a place i think i have tendencies to forget myself there. lose myself, i suppose, but not really.

but i do love it when i discover these places.

maybe i have some innate nesting tendencies? or just a desire to call something (some place) my own.

just because i hate the feeling of not being "home". they say home is where your heart is... but i think, for me, "home" is where i let myself go. or... let my guards down and tend not to be so alert.

is that the same thing?

maybe..., but that's what i think.

sleep the silent homewrecker

excedrin...

comes with caffeine.

little did i know how potent THAT would be...

i stayed up until 5am... well after i had finished my paper and everything else. so instead, i made CDs... yes, mixxed CDs that i happily started to decorate with my newly founded lightscribe. that thing is addicting...

and then, i woke up around 8am. perfect timing for class... but...

since i was still sleepy, i thought, "five more minutes", set my alarm... and never woke up again.

...

...ok, so i obviously DID wake up again, but NOT in time for class -_________-
stretchy dash-face explains it all...

had to run over and turn in my paper... luckily class wasn't over yet.

but... i missed lecture.

god, i hate that.

why does sleep plague me so?
must be the procrastination syndrome i have... it's a disease, you know...

i think...

i guess...

i guess life is just like this.

suddenly it came to me: the answer.

ok, maybe not THE answer... but AN answer... a possible answer.

what is the meaning to living if we're just going to age and die... why try, why live, why do anything?

maybe... this is it.

life... just like this. that's why... maybe. maybe you live so you can live... just these moments are enough... should be enough... maybe.

i don't know what i'm saying.

had an epiphany that, after writing it down here, seems more like a stupid thought more than anything else.

whatever...
i still think that peter pan has it good.
so do vampires.
drinking blood??? psshhh... that's nothing.

alluring appeal

an essay, due in exactly... 15 hours.

i suppose it's do-able. but that doesn't mean i'll enjoy doing it. it's weird. before it was actually assigned, i wouldn't have minded doing it... but BAM! right when a deadline and impending grade is slapped on the sucker, it immediately loses its charm/allure/whatever you want to call it.

maybe that's like getting a career... you want to do this thing for the rest of your life and BAM! right when a salary and a possibility of getting fired gets slapped on it, it loses its appeal.

sad is life

but money makes the world go round huh?

what does that say about human nature?
i don't know...
whatever... got to finish my essay.

rings... cartier ... panthers

wants it...

my precious...

dream sequence 01

last night... this morning... when ever... i had a dream.

this dream was odd and even as i type i can feel myself forgetting it.

it was good though and gave me a burst of inspiration about something that i can't recall anymore.

but it involved some dark men with some dark purpose.

i hate that i can't remember every good thought/idea that i had. i hate that i can't recall ideas/thoughts that i had... period. (redundant, i know)

which makes me wish that something out there existed... existed, so that you could save every thought/memory/idea on a medium.

not necessarily for deleting or getting rid of it in your mind, but to be able to experience it again... relive those emotions and chemical signals.

sadly, such a thing doesn't exist... and it probably never will if we don't crack that human brain thing any time soon.

so until then... or just because of that reason, i'll have to resort to forgetting and hating myself for it or writing in my journal(s) that i keep hidden-stuff'd in every corner of my dwelling places so that i can get easy access or writing in this ambiguous sea of digital/virtual nonsense called a "blog"...

odd what humans come up with to compensate or whatev...

i'm getting tired again...

have to go grocery shopping... and wish someone a merry birthed day.